Fuck, I always wonder when I will come back to this blog, the one I love-and-hate because it allows me to express myself openly and freely, yet when I come on it is because of this sadness that pangs me.

thinking about him too much again.  can’t understand why I feel this way. it confuses me really because I didn’t realize I cared so much, which makes me feel foolish.  our connection was always something I’d realized, but I suppose I just didn’t realize just how deep it went.

now there’s just this strange emptiness about me I can’t explain. the pain is there, yes, but it’s almost like I’m floating above it.

The Way I Feel Inside

Should I try to hide the way I feel inside
my heart for you?
Would you say that you would try to love me, too?
If your mind, could you ever be really close to me?-
I can tell the way you smile-
If I feel that I could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight.

But til I can see that you’d really care for me,
I will dream that someday you’ll be really close to me-
I can tell the way you smile-
if I feel that I could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight.

But til I can see that you’d really care for me,
I’ll keep trying to hide the way I feel inside.

-The Zombies, “The Way I feel Inside”

Didn’t expect to see him today. Was the last thing I expected. I saw his car in the parking lot and my heart began to race.

The meeting was already in progress and I had to walk in. Normally I try to remain inconspicuous but today it was impossible. I would have a crowd of faces looking at me, faces I was afraid to discern for fear of connecting my eyes with his. I didn’t want to acknowledge him, have him realize I had already seen his car.

I chose the first seat I could find next to the most familiar person I could, and made sure to not divert my eyes from the speaker in front. I knew he was watching me. I kept my focus and I got through it all, no problem.

Later he texted saying I looked nice and it was good to see me. Really? What’s the need? Why say anything at all? Just seems pointless. I love him and want him and miss him but this will never be mendable.

He called me a heartbreaker. Said it playfully, jokingly, but it seemed he really meant it. And then playfully, “I hate you… everything was fine before you.”

And now I feel elated.

I feel better.

But I still want him near me.

I want to feel him, caress him, kiss him, fuck him, laugh with him, lay in bed and do nothing…

but at least I have this calmness about me for now.

for now.