I have a great job, I am independent, I have wonderful friends and acquaintances, but right now my life feels like a storm. I think because of the way I feel internally. Not going to have my car until this Saturday (after which it will have been just over a month since it’s been in the shop and I’ve had to bum rides and take the bus to and from work), I dropped my phone and the screen cracked, and now to top it off I left my wallet at this bar/grill I went to last night with some co-workers. Now I feel super bummed out. Thankfully he’s here visiting this week, he got here yesterday and won’t be leaving til Thursday night. It’s my the highlight of my life right now.
The shitty thing about highlights, though: once they’re gone, you’re left with whatever it is you were avoiding. And I love that we can spend this time together, but being as pessimistic as I am I only keep thinking about how I’m going to feel when he leaves again. It’s this whole shitty feeling again, I get accustomed to him not being around but as soon as I’m okay with it he comes back to visit and the process begins again. A whole vicious cycle. It’s the nature of the beast, really, and I understand that. But can’t help but be affected by it. I also feel bad because he’s been paying for everything since I don’t have my wallet. I need to pick up my credit card later. And I hope that my wallet turns up at that place, I’m calling them as soon as they open.
Anyway, I’m at work now, but I got in about an hour earlier and I have been listening to music, organizing what it is I have to do, and thinking over him and me and everything I’m going through at the moment. I need more focus.
I guess I’ve also been thinking about something he mentioned to me a couple of weeks back, a few days after the last time he came to visit. He told me he was listening to “Lost Cause” by Beck and that he could relate to it so much. And I never asked why, but it stuck with me, for obvious reasons. I waited until we saw each other because the only way I felt I’d be able to tell was by looking right at him when I asked him. And I did, and his face showed me everything I dreaded to know. When he made that comment it was because it reminds him of me. And I got angry, and I told him to not bullshit me, since he sat there and tried to say it wasn’t that, that it made him think of himself in a way. and I knew he was bullshitting. I shut down completely and turned my back to him and didn’t say another word, I just went to sleep. He came over and kept holding me and caressing me. But I hated him already.
We didn’t talk about it this morning at all, he just kissed me and went down to the lobby to buy me breakfast. But I’m going to mention it again tonight. It’s just really affecting me, I guess, and I didn’t realize how much.